The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Good morning!
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.