[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either