If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence