I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You Might Also Like
Someone just threatened to call me later
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Got him!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*