Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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(人__つ_つ
This rocks
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.