me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?