This kid will have a bright future.
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
❤️🦆
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.