Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Kids: Stay in school.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.