Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.