BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.