Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online