i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.