Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
If looks could kill
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.