A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
A bold strategy
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…