MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.