My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
True statement👍😏😁
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.