My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Hot Panini is in big trouble
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are