But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You Might Also Like
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Seems a bit forward
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.