No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
mood
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Krampus.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.