Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do