Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I only eat vegetarians.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My Guy
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
New mindset, who dis?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Home is where your toilet is.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*