if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.