I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A bold strategy
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring