[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
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Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.