please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I am all good here, 😂😉
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
If only.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.