Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Still a very good boi….
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.