Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
An owl showing some catlike behavior.