My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM