choose your gary
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks