My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
58.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.