Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
based al yankovic
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.