before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
wtf is an acronym
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊