8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.