So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?