this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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Love is always patient and kind.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
This checks out
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo