Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
You Might Also Like
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack