Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“The Perfect Relationship”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man