Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures