If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!