she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves