“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
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my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Body by Oreos
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits