Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
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It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
This 4th of July, please remember…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Mission: Impossible
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.