Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Siri, fight Alexa.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.