Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Self-cleaning conscience
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?