Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Thank you corporation very cool
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA