[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
So inspired right now.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I want what they have
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.