It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
You Might Also Like
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Lmbo
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.