As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant