[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My birth announcement for our third baby
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase