I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last